I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy again, I have made it to the beginning of season 9. I have cried and laughed and cried again. I want to have the love that is shown in the show, the happiness, the sadness, just the feelings. I hate trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to speak to me it seems. I hate feeling alone and feeling like I mean nothing to anyone anymore.

Now, I have my grandmother moving in and my mother losing it. My mental state is just rolling around and I am trying to get myself back to a normal spot and I cannot seem to grab the rope and climb the ladder to get to a better place. I am slowly losing myself and I can feel my brain swelling and I know there is something wrong I just don’t know how to deal with it, or where to even start to deal with it.

I am watching the episode where Christina is in a catatonic state, or a state where she has completely silenced herself to deal with the plane crash and the being on a island or whatever for several weeks. I honestly relate to her, I wish I could just shut everything out. Yet, in the real world shutting everything out doesn’t solve everything, or anything. It makes people bitter and depressed and sad. In the end, or in the middle, does anyone ever have real happiness or is anyone ever really happy.

I am watching where Mark was alive for a while after he was found and brought to to hospital, Arizona had her leg cut off by Callie, and Christina comes out of here state and leaves the state so get away from the former events. I just need to find friends, family, and something like this show…