Another day of catching up on Grey’s Anatomy, and I think I have successful decided that my life is horrible. I am crying and feeling sorry for myself, as well as relating to the show and feeling just crappy.

There are so many things I am unhappy with in my life, and every chance I get to make the change, I am not even sure where to start. I had 3 weeks of therapy and I feel they were helpful just in the fact that I had someone to talk to. I can honestly say that 90% of my issues are the fact that I have no one to talk to, like really talk to when I need to vent to someone, or discuss something with someone and not get their opinion back.

I have a toddler who refuses to be potty trained no matter what the situation I put him in is. I have tried several different tactics, but nothing is working. He is stubborn and absolutely ridiculous. My issue with this situation is I do not have the energy to deal with it, point blank, my depression is too elevated and uncontrolled to be able to keep him under control. Jeffery thinks everything is about him and that he is the center of attention, because he is the only child in the home and my mother spoils him rotten.

He sees no discipline and when I try to discipline him, he wants to hit and throw things OR begins to scream and cry- in this annoying “I can’t breathe” fashion. When he is told no, he screams and cries, when you don’t want to pay attention to him, he screams and cries. I am at my end of the rope and I cannot find a solution to the problem, when he is coddled by my mother.

I am a firm believer in each child is different and how you handle the child is going to be different. I don’t believe in corporal punishment, but I do believe that children need to be spanked if they need to be spanked. I understand the new laws, that spanking is considered abuse, but here is the thing. When you have a head strong child and time-outs don’t work anymore, and they want to scream and act a fool, what options do you have; allow them to abuse you and not defend yourself. What sounds right about that situation? NOTHING.

I am at the ending point where I do not know what else I can handle, my depression is extremely high, my anxiety is high, I am having “night sweats” and waking up with headaches where I am extremely fuzzy and dizzy. I cannot deal with these things alone and I have no one who really can help me.

I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy again, I have made it to the beginning of season 9. I have cried and laughed and cried again. I want to have the love that is shown in the show, the happiness, the sadness, just the feelings. I hate trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to speak to me it seems. I hate feeling alone and feeling like I mean nothing to anyone anymore.

Now, I have my grandmother moving in and my mother losing it. My mental state is just rolling around and I am trying to get myself back to a normal spot and I cannot seem to grab the rope and climb the ladder to get to a better place. I am slowly losing myself and I can feel my brain swelling and I know there is something wrong I just don’t know how to deal with it, or where to even start to deal with it.

I am watching the episode where Christina is in a catatonic state, or a state where she has completely silenced herself to deal with the plane crash and the being on a island or whatever for several weeks. I honestly relate to her, I wish I could just shut everything out. Yet, in the real world shutting everything out doesn’t solve everything, or anything. It makes people bitter and depressed and sad. In the end, or in the middle, does anyone ever have real happiness or is anyone ever really happy.

I am watching where Mark was alive for a while after he was found and brought to to hospital, Arizona had her leg cut off by Callie, and Christina comes out of here state and leaves the state so get away from the former events. I just need to find friends, family, and something like this show…

I have come to the conclusion that I need to get myself more energy, especially if I am going to lose weight. This being 211 pounds is not acceptable, especially when I was 145 pounds at my heaviest weight when I gave birth in 2009. Now, I have let myself go and I allow myself to just settle with this. Even though my depression sets in and I know this behavior is not acceptable, I continue to allow myself to act this way.

To me, at this point, my behavior is allowing my youngest son to act in anyway he chooses. This once again is not acceptable behavior. I can only correct the behavior if I correct my own behavior and have a routine that is followed.

We need to have house rules, a routine, consequences and keep them in tack and following them. I have started a routine chart and a rules and consequences chart for Jeffery to be able to look at, but I need to make my own and have it posted as well, even if it is just for me.

I have managed to get many things done around the house that I wanted to but there are still several more things that are needing to be done. We lost the air conditioning unit about three weeks ago and I still have five more days to make it through before a new one is going to be installed.

I keep adding to my to-do list but I am trying to keep myself on track. I am not adding things that are not important and that need to be done within a designed time frame, which is making my anxiety and stress levels stay at a decent level.

Dealing with a toddler that does not want to listen or anything, is making things difficult and I am trying to manage. Relationships- well those are not in a good standing because I just can’t. I can’t deal with the situations that are in.

date 5/18/2023

So, today I had my intake for therapy and I honestly feel like I was talking to much. I feel like I “over-shared” and I understand therapy is suppose to help, but I am not sure how things are going to go. I am going to take it one session at a time and see if she can help me, I am working on bettering myself. I am working on getting through my passed trauma and making myself be better and feel better about myself.

Additionally today, I have found out that our home warranty is not covering the air conditioner being replaced because the “technician” told the warranty people that they believed the condenser went out when the power outage happened back in January, which does not make any logical sense because we did not run the unit in January so even with the power outage and shortages we had were city wide and county wide, it was not a personal issue.

I am trying to take things one day at a time, but I am getting slowly annoyed and off beat on how I am going to deal with this and myself all at the same time. I need to keep my mind positive and keep getting things done and working towards progress. I have two cabinets left to put together and I have my mom’s diamond dotz picture done and framed, Jeffery’s bed and room needs to get back in order. This is what some things that were discussed in the intake today, that I put a lot on myself and I can’t handle it all at once.

Luna has another appointment to see how she is going, and frankly we are doing well and she is feeling better, I am just concerned with the fact that she is peeing all over my bed and floor because the prednisone that they put her on is making her pee everywhere.

Jeffery still is not wanting to be potty trained and go on the toilet, he is just not wanting to even try at this point. I am at a loss here. I am trying to figure out what my next steps are, one because I do not want him to be peeing on my bed, the floor, etc. putting him in regular underwear. I am not prepared to keep washing and cleaning up pee, I am over that part of life. Especially, since he doesn’t even let me know when he poops anymore and have his pull-up changed.

Date: 5/22/2023 side note

Watching Grey’s Anatomy and I am on Season 5 episodes 6-10, and frankly I have realized that I have a headache from crying and holding in tears. I am mentally exhausted and mentally unable to function anymore mentally. I have to get over my issues and get over my past trauma. I keep researching and reading how to get over this past trauma and move forward. I have sat here crying and holding back tears, watching these episodes and thinking about how I am just as screwed up as these people in these shows.