Date 5/17/2023

Everything is broken and the moment I think that things are getting better something else goes wrong. Always. It is a never ending cycle of round robin that keeps going and going. I keep working on my to-do list and it keeps getting longer, my brain keeps adding more things for me to do or more things I want to do like hobby wise. This is a me problem. Now onto the life problem. My air conditioner is broken and it needs to be replaced. The current quote is $4,800 and I am just annoyed that everything is breaking one day at a time.

I cannot handle everything breaking.

Date 5/9/2023

I have been on “vacation” for about 9 days and frankly I need a vacation from my vacation. I haven’t had a moment of piece unless its 4am and I should be sleeping. I just wanted to have a decent day and have a day where I don’t have a headache or feel like I cannot get out of bed. Yet, that is all this last week has been. I need to order things to get my house in order, I need funds to make that happen. I can’t get my head wrapped around life at the present moment as always. I have appointments to make and I just don’t have the energy to get things done either. I need to get my head back on track and get things back in order. My one two steps are not functioning correctly for me to continue like this anymore.

One day, I will need to be okay, and frankly today is not that day, but I am trying. I am trying. That is what I need to tell myself. I need to keep myself positive and get my life back in the place I want it to be. I have a long list of things I want “to-do” and a longer list of things that “need to be done” I just don’t have the strength or the mindset to do it anymore. I need to get back into therapy and get medications to manage my brain function again.

I am trying to manage all my memories, ideas, thoughts, and everything that my brain is processing daily and some days I can’t handle what I feel or think.

This is how my brain functions daily for me.

Date 5/1/2023

So, I have been watching Grey’s Anatomy, and frankly I have not realized how much my life sucks and I am severely depressed. The depression isn’t getting any better, and my current primary physician hasn’t helped any in the last 8 plus years. She has only prescribed me something for my anxiety which I am over maxed out on and it no longer helps the anxiety just manages my seizures in my sleep, which thankfully haven’t been bad over the last 8 years either. Although they have gotten bad over the last 4 years. I can honestly say I have had about 7 in the last month but my stress level has been extremely high with all the issues with legal and unemployment issues.

I am working on getting my sanity back together and slowly working on getting my finances back together. I am taking it one day at a time and managing my day slowly. I have started working on Noom to lose weight, I have decided to work out more. I am working on changing my primary care physician, and getting into therapy. I think once I get these things together then maybe I can get my life back on one line instead of like a toddler coloring a picture.

Date 3/19/2023

Everyday I sit and think, everyday. Day by day I process what might have been, what has been, what could have been, what is! There is not enough time in the day, there is not enough time in my brain to function. I look around and know I need help, even with the simple things, and then I add more to my to-do list like I will find and end to it eventually. Yet, I know deep down it will just keep growing and growing because I am never going to have the time, the energy or not be depressed enough to function. I keep trying to find a therapist to go to but in the end, I never call, never make an appointment.

The therapist I had virtually years ago, was not helpful at all in the situation that was happening. I am just at a blank because I need a “fixer” not a “how does that make you feel” person. I need to get my mental health together and get things figured out so I can focus more. I personally think I need to have some more testing done because there is issues medically that are going on and no one can find me some answers.

Financially, I am 3 quarters away from being buried in a grave which is never a good thing when your a single parent. Mentally, I am exhausted and so unorganized my head is going to explode.

This year (Sept 2022-present day (11/6/23)) has been a roller-coaster to say the very least. I have dealt with so much in the last year and half that I personally should not have had to deal with. I am still dealing with most of it today, but I am working on getting my positivity back slowly. Some days are better than others, as always. I am always busy, always moving, my brain never stops- but I am trying to find the “me” time that I need to find to center myself and destress myself, so I can regain my life back and regain my health back to where I need to be. I am almost 35 years old and back when I was 18 I NEVER thought my life would be the way it is today.

I have started making changes little by little as the days have went by the last few months, some of them have been very small and not as noticeable as you would think, but those things mean the world to me. I have cut people from my life, I have worked on speaking my mind more about issues that are a huge problem, I have been working on centralizing myself so I can block out the noise and the garbage and center myself.

Yes, I have added more things to my to-do list, but I have realized that if I cannot handle something, I need to just put it on the back burner of the list and wait until I have the time and mental space to begin something new.

I can always tell you, my story will always be here for me to tell. I have some other posts that I will be posting shortly from months ago, when I was in my “black” space.